Jumble of Thoughts

I don't know if it's because of the holiday season, or because I am finally finished with the transplant, but tonight, i am full. (Not full of food-- I wish-- but my stomach isn't quite ready) I am just full of....feelings I guess. Maybe it's the new marrow inside me haha but most of all I think I am learning. Tonight, I am full of gratitude.

Just looking back on the 5 month journey... remembering where I was at the start. Thinking how in the heck am I going to do this. Remembering crying...lots of crying, in the hospital room with my parents when we found out. Shock. Unbelief. All these feelings now turned to gratitude. There is no way on this earth, I could have gotten through this physically or emotionally without family. My immediate-- My sweet parents who never left my side, I never spent a night alone in the hospital. My siblings who sacrificed their time to be with me, to cheer me up, and to just be there. My cute little brother who started 7th grade with one parent at home while one was with me. They were strong for me. And that is where I learn it from.

Family is a broad word. It covers a lot of people especially in my case. My aunts and uncles who would shelter tanner, and feed the rest of my family. And just...my cousins. Tears come to my eyes when I think of them. I have had the blessing of growing up with some of my best friends. Little mitch who never left my side in elementary school. Josh and Mckell who are such examples to me. Luke who just makes everyone laugh....somehow we all fit in together...the cousin clan we eventually called ourselves. Mudfights, fourwheeler rides...sunday school. We did it all together. I can't put to words the amount of respect I have for my cousins. On both sides.
Even though we didn't get to see each other as much growing up, John and Andy are my best buds. They keep me company in the hospital, and always make me laugh. And missy, thankyou so much for asking all those people to send letters to me. It strengthened me every day. I hope all of this is even making sense, cuz I am just crying and typing haha hence the title a jumble of thoughts. I hope they make a little sense.

My sweet aunt Kathy brought dinner to the hospital every sunday without fail. Even if I couldn't partake of her gourmet cooking, she would come, along with erik and lauren and cute little morgan. My point is I did not, by any means, make this journey alone. And I think that is what is so wonderful about this life. We are not alone. In any way, shape, or form. We may feel it at times, but there is always someone willing to help, to hug, or to talk. And I am grateful to have learned this lesson. I dont know what inspired me to go off on this rant, part of it was because I missed my cousins. But part of it is because my family came up to salt lake tonight so they could be with me. All of them. So I wouldn't have to be alone. And i feel full....of jusst happiness! Even though I am pissed I lost my hair and my legs feel all weird. Even though I don't feel good all the time. I just want you all to know that I am "steelestrong" because you make me that way. I could have never done this alone.

And I cant forget friends. That's partly what i meant when I said family was a broad term... I have some amazing friends that have helped me through this that I consider family. They keep me going and I am so lucky to have them.

I jusst hope that I don't forget these feelings. Because I am going to get healthy again, I am going to get out on that court, but it is going to mean so much more. Everything is. I just hope i dont lose sight of what I have gained. I am kind of rambling... but that's ok I am allowed to do that i guess... It's my blog. :) But I think I will sign out for the night. This was a long one...

You are probably looking for an update as well... I am staying in the basement of some nice people in Salt Lake. It is close to the hospital, so my parents are comfortable. We'll be here for a week (I say) or so... just to stay close after transplant. Hope to see you all soon. I love you so much, thank you for the prayers... I can't thank you enough. I can feel them touching my life. And I can still use them :P Thanks again.

Rachel